A Pirate's Life for Me

Concerning Pirates and Pirating

On Pirating:
A Pirate's Life for Me

I have a lot of respect for pirates. A pirate spends every day of his life working with other men, just trying to make a living by stealing treasures from barbarous coasts. A pirate can't go home at the end of his day like most of us; he must spend every waking moment on the job. He can't visit the ship's HR department when he gets a stab wound from the captain, he can't see the ship's psychologist when feeling down, he's just got to learn to deal with his problems on his own, even if that means drinking rum until passing out.

If I had the opportunity to join a pirate ship in 1750, I'd jump on the opportunity, so long as the pirating was limited to only stealing treasures from British fleets (because of their unfair taxes on the States). I could never join an unethical crew.

I would join the ship's company as a lowly cook and slowly work my way up to the top. Sure, I'd make my share of stews and broth, spending nights cleaning the kitchen, but it would be worth it. I think after about two years of showing my devotion to the ship in this manner, the Captain will move me to the deck.

I'll probably have to get my share of tattoos over the years, but each tattoo would be an honor. I think the greatest thrill would be to have the Captain tattoo a treasure map on my back, but that would only happen after years and years of devotion.

After years of service, I can totally imagine singing songs with others while scrubbing down the decks, calling my friends words like "squab" and "lilly-livered" to improve comradery, and climbing the mast while gritting a knife between my teeth to take down the flag before a storm. Oh, it would be great!

During stormy weather, I'd huddle with the men below and read them stories of great whales that destroyed ships, and tell them about ghosts and goblins that infest small islands. I'd try to teach the captain's parrot how to say: "May I have a cracker," instead of his usual third person statement: "Polly wants a cracker."

Because pirates are known to squander their wealth, I'd start some sort of 401K plan for them, so that they would have gold left over when they decide to retire.

I think I would be very useful on a pirate ship, but unfortunately we live in world bereft of eighteenth century pirates. I guess I can only dream.