My Balding Head

The misery of going bald.

Going Bald

I came home one night and found a bottle of herbal, hair growth pills sitting on my desk. My mom had decided that it was time to do something about my balding head, so she went on the Internet and bought some hair growth pills.

The pill container was placed in the middle of my desk and affixed with a yellow post-it note. The note simply read: “Mike, please let your hair grow. Love, Momma.”

That was four years ago.

It wasn’t until that point that I really thought much about my balding head.

I’d rather not go bald, but I’m definitely not going to spend money on trying to save it. I’m far too cheap.

My friend Ray suggested I start using Rogaine. My mom recommended that I cover my bald spot with a yarmulke. Both are religious practices that I had never thought about before. I snickered at the thought of using Rogaine, but the yarmulke wasn’t a bad idea.

If I’m going bald, then so be it. Sure, I’d rather not go bald (see figure 4), but I’m definitely not going to spend money on trying to save it. I’m far too cheap.

Besides, there are plenty of bald men that I can look up to: Telly Sevallus, Jason Alexander, Lex Luther---and the guy from NYPD blue. I can never remember his name. Each of these men is successful in their own way, and partly due to their baldness.

When I was little, I remember countless barbers talking about my thick head of hair. They’d joke, “Son, you’re never going to have to worry about going bald,” as they clipped my hair with special scissors designed to thin out my hair.

During stressful periods in my life, I not only notice more hair loss, but also more dandruff. It’s like the double whammy. It’s bad enough to wake up and find a handful of hair scattered on my pillow, but it’s worse to also have a head full of flakey dandruff. It’s like going blind, and also having to suffer from dry eye syndrome. Why can’t I just go bald in peace?

There are some guys who really look good bald. I can think of countless athletes, actors, and hip-hop artists that look really good bald. In fact, they’d look a little odd if they had hair. I don’t have such luck. My head wasn’t meant to go bald. My head is big and oddly shaped. I can’t even wear a hat because it doesn’t look right.

They say that baldness derives from the mother’s side. Well, I never knew my grandfather. She told me he was quite hairy and had to shave his face three times a day. I always thought that sounded cool, but I don’t have concrete proof.

I also have a problem growing facial hair. Most bald guys can grow a good, bushy beard or mustache. It’s like a trade. God determines that a certain guy can’t grow head hair, so he replaces it with the ability to grow a thick beard. I can grow neither.

Whenever I’ve attempted facial hair (during campouts and lazy weekends), I end up with the saddest, thinning beard you’ve ever seen. I can grow a weak Abe Linoln-esqe beard that falls apart near my sideburns and jaw. I’d love to have the ability to grow a mountain man beard. Something that a bug could fly into and never find its way out. You know, the kind of beard that can hold icicles in the winter. That’s the kind of beard I want.

Instead, I’m left with patches of hair on my face and an odd hair that grows in the middle of my cheek. I have no clue where that one came from. I wish I could have it moved to my sideburns.

I can sort of grow a weird looking goatee, but it never feels comfortable. It’s all prickly and nothing can tame it. I’ve given up.

To add to my erupting balding pattern is my graying head. I’ve started getting gray hairs on my head over the last two years. These wild, gray strands are like weeds—popping up everywhere and can’t be controlled. Pull one out and three more arise. Even after a haircut, these gray hairs dart out longer than all the rest. It’s amazing.

But there is one type of hair I can grow quite well: nose hair. I never thought I’d see the day when I’d be trimming nose hair. I can only dream of what’s next . . . ear hair?

copyright 2005 michael delgado
http://michaelpaul.blogspot.com
mikedelgado@hotmail.com